THE LIFE OF A PASTOR'S WIFE

For her and her siblings, it was a life they could not wish for. She resented it, so much so that she took delight in expressing her discontent of it to anyone that would listen to her. She even looked for the opportunity to talk about the only one side that the life of a pastor's wife consists - agonising.

Some years ago, at a gathering organised by Family Life Unit, in commemoration of the Family Week of the church where she used to worship as a single lady, it was quiz time and she was chosen to be one of those that would respond to one of the carefully crafted questions. The question she picked was, whether she would like to be a pastor's wife in future.

Without thinking about it for a second, an emphatic 'no' was her answer; followed by mumbling words like, 'Me? A pastor's wife? God forbid!'

For her, she never wanted to think about it. But as fate would have, today, Yemi is married to a pastor. And although she has come to grips with being one, she still has her fears and reservations; she is fast settling down into the same rigours her mother and so many other pastors' wives experience.

Mummy, Mama, Mummy G.O., Mother-in-mission, Pastor Mrs., Iya Yard, Rev., are some of the names by which most pastors' wives go by. And while some of them knew, right from their courtship days, that their husband is, or would be a pastor in the vineyard, for others, 'the call' only came after they were already married and they had no choice but fit into the role.

The role of a pastor's wife is basically the same as any other wife in the church - to honour and support her husband. However, the pastor's wife has to expand the breadth and depth of her own support, love and honour to all the members of the congregation. As a pastor's wife, some would rather not be employed by the church, but would utilize their God-given gifts to volunteer in different areas of ministry. However, their priorities are to God first, then to their husband and children, and then to the members of the church.

What does it mean to be a pastor's wife? How does she cope with the many roles she is expected to play? How does she balance her role as a wife, mother, sister and mother-in-mission? Is it all glamour and prestige or do they have downtimes? How does she deal with women flocking round her husband, all in the name of seeking counsel? What about the many demands of the church members, the long and constant absence of her husband from home? These and many more questions come to mind when thinking of the life of a pastor's wife.

Every lady has specifications for the kind of man she would want to share the rest of her life with. So, did their specifications include marrying a pastor? For Mrs. Temilola Babalola, Mother-in-mission, Powerlife Baptist Church, Obawole, it never crossed her mind to marry a pastor. However, during her school days, many of her mates saw in her the qualities of a wife of a pastor and used to tease her with that role. 'I never had it in mind I would marry a pastor. But during my HND days, most of my mates then used to tell me I had the qualities of being a pastor's wife and I should consider that option,' she recounts.

So, was that the reason she looked out for one? 'Definitely not. I guess, as they say, like begets like. My husband, who was already a pastor, saw what my friends saw and today, we are married with children.' So, it was not hard for Mrs. Babalola to settle into the role.

One of the most difficult things many of these women have to deal with is coping with their husbands' tight schedules. Mrs. Babalola admits that 'they travel a lot and sometimes even when they are home, they could just be called at any time to attend to their members' needs. During such times, which might be when I need him around too, you just have to let him go because that is what God has called him to do.

'Sometimes, getting a good night's sleep can be impossible. The holidays - Christmas, Easter - every other person enjoys with their family. But these are times when the pastor has to be in church. Sunday evenings, most people enjoy dinner with their family, cozy in their home, but this is something the pastor and the pastor's wife do not have the luxury of. The things you take for granted, the pastor's wife dreams about. That is when I miss him the most,' she says.

While Mrs. Babalola finds the frequent travelling of her husband as the most challenging aspect of her role, for Mrs. Esther Tewogbade, wife of the parish pastor of Grace Sanctuary of the Redeemed Christian Church of God, Ogba in Lagos, 'loneliness', despite being among people, is the hardest thing to deal with.

'One of the hardest things to deal with is, despite the fact you're surrounded by people on Sundays and mid-week services, you feel completely and utterly alone. I know, because I'm a pastor's wife. As a pastor's wife, you're expected to be perfect, or pretend to be. You are constantly under scrutiny by someone somewhere, whose only virtue is being loud.

'Your husband's salary is modest - a number that most people would turn down and the hours are long and at times very unpredictable. You end up doing a lot of the work for the church that goes unnoticed, because it's in the background, behind the curtain, and despite the fact that you work hard, there's always someone to come in and ruin it by being critical.'

Despite all this, a lot of people take their pastor's wife for granted. They're one of the hardest workers in the church and the most under appreciated. 'The expectation for perfection is ridiculous, and can be daunting,' says Mrs. Olufunke Abiodun. Herself a pastor, Mrs. Abiodun continues: 'What people expect is that the pastor's wife is going to be just as spiritually mature as her husband. This is not always the case with the pastor's wife, especially if the pastor's wife wasn't called to be a pastor, just to love one.'

For her, one saying that really irks her is: 'Remember, the pastor's wife is called just as much as her husband.' For her part, she was called to fit into the role she is playing in her church, where her husband is the senior pastor.

The Global Pastors' Wives Association estimates that 80 percent of pastors' wives feel unappreciated in their church, and the biggest woe that pastors' wives have is loneliness. There are many other issues a pastor's wife has to deal with, that people outside may not be aware of.

According to Abiodun, 'The pastor's wife has to be everyone's confidant but no one's close friend. Friendships made of the pastor's wife can easily become a heated topic among other members of the congregation, thinking that the pastor's wife's friend is going to get special treatment, or be heard more than anyone else in the church because of their position. Usually, no friendships are made to the pastor's wife, because the congregation is generally disinterested in her life.'

Beyond the yearning for friendship, the pastor's wife constantly has to fight for her husband's attention because he's also married to the church. So, if the downsides of being a pastor's wife are that many, what is the fun and attraction in it? 'I must say that we mostly experience the downsides of being a pastor's wife, but the joys also. Being a pastor's wife can be really rewarding, but sometimes it takes a while to see those rewards, and it's the members of the congregation that need to step up and reach out to their lonely pastor's wife, to let her know she's not alone and that she does make a difference,' Abiodun remarks. Continued

Add comment

Name (required)

E-mail (required)

Website

Notify me of follow-up comments

Refresh

Send

Cancel